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Intimate Communication – Creating a True Intimacy Between Two People

intimacy Jun 14, 2022

Hello, friends! I am so honored to have been asked to write a monthly column for the Simply Woman Magazine and be the Simply Woman Relationship Coach. I would love to hear from the amazing ladies in this community, so if you have a question for me or an issue in a relationship that you just can’t seem to get past or get over, please write to me at [email protected]     

 

Intimate Communication™ – Creating a True Intimacy Between Two People 

Throughout my coaching career, I have had the privilege of working with many women of all different ages and cultural backgrounds. Some of them already on the road to empowerment for many years, and others just starting their journey. Some of them became my mentors and trusted leaders, and some of them my students. 

And out of all of that deep work and all of those vulnerable conversations, there is one thing that stands out above all other relationship needs that women have in common (including the one writing this article). 

And that is this: they all longed for deep intimacy with their man. And that got me to thinking about intimacy differently.  

When I start to explore and dig a little deeper, I found that women sometimes are confused about what they want. Their longing to feel safe competes with their eagerness to surrender to something and trust. Their longing to be truly known and seen and loved for who they are competes with their need to protect themselves. If openness and vulnerability are the prices of admission to real intimacy, sometimes the sticker shock can stop us in our tracks! And then we hold back. And then wonder why sometimes the men in our lives look at us with love and also bewilderment. And it all comes down to our communication. Our 'Intimate Communication'.

What I have come to know is that what we truly want is connection. And not just connection but a pure, deep level of knowing oneself wholeheartedly and then creating a vulnerable state with the one person we love. Being able to just be ourselves with each other and be accepted for all that we are and all that we aren't. That kind of connection is possible - vulnerability and intimacy go hand-in-hand. 

Intimacy requires real vulnerability, authenticity, and trust. It requires communicating in a way that is private and special and reserved for only one person. When I talk to women about this, they think about it and realize that many couples haven't learned how to interact this way. The more they think about it, the more they wonder why it has not been brought up and why haven't they talked about this with their partner. 

Intimate Communication comes from an entirely different intimacy than what we have with friends or family members. It's an intimacy that occurs when we feel safe and secure enough to share all of our deepest wants and desires and explore euphoria with our partner. 

When we are in an intimate relationship, we are worthy of a partner who wants to know all of us, and all of our parts, on a deep, intimate level; an intimacy that integrates our physical bodies with the spiritual and emotional energy of our love. It is the beautiful merging of the two souls versus just two bodies held against one another for personal pleasure (although that part is fun, too). 

We deserve to be seen deeply, genuinely known, and wholly loved. Women need to feel safe to be able to open up to this type of intimacy. We need to be able to share our biggest fears with our lover and know that he or she will honor and hold our deepest fears as sacred. 

The connection between two lovers is a connection like no other. I've seen that for many women, this skill is something they haven't learned; being able to share their intimate desires with their lover and the vulnerability it takes to express them is missing. Yet, it's something they desire. So, what are women to do when trust and feeling safe is necessary for Intimate Communication? Sometimes it can be so hard to know what to do, to actually make a change. But, just because you've been doing things a certain way for a certain time doesn't mean you can't change things up. Just remember that if you want a change, then you need to change first. Our men cannot read our minds, and (just between us girls here) where intimacy is concerned, I've always found it's better if we women lead the way.

This type of intimacy is something you can create with your lover if you desire. What I know about men is that they want deep intimacy, too. They want to know you - intimately. They want to be that person for you that knows all of your desires and secrets. Men want to know you, and they want to know how to protect and please you. Sometimes they just don't know how to start the conversation and therefore don't say anything at all. So I say this - let it begin with you, by stepping into your Woman Energy, opening up to your partner, and being vulnerable. You don't have to share your most sacred heart secrets right away. 

Intimacy, like trust, is a game won over time, so start by sharing something simple that he doesn't know about you. Something that the two of you can start a conversation about and keep digging deeper. Create that vulnerable state and ask him something personal. And then be sure to remember to just listen without judgment while he is talking. Let the moment unfold and become your new baseline for intimacy.

Now, one word of caution. If you are not aligned in your relationship and don't feel safe, I don't recommend this vulnerability until you feel emotionally secure enough to open up. If you are in a relationship and do not feel respected, safe, or close to your partner, I suggest speaking to a professional or a coach you trust. Relationships are meant to be loving, kind, respectful, and fun. They should enhance and not detract from the quality and enjoyment of our lives.

When you do shift to higher intimacy and Intimate Communication, it's important to remember a few things. Remember that people change and what they liked at one point might be different now. Remember that it's okay if you and your partner have different desires. Remember that the communication between two lovers is unlike any other. You can still come together with each of your needs being met. Open it up and when you feel safe, share a fantasy with him. Ask him to share one of his fantasies with you. Sometimes women (through no fault of their own) take that off the table, and the energy is not there for the man to feel safe enough to share, too. 

Often my clients can't see that the energy they are bringing to their relationship is Mother Energy - always telling their partner what to do and how to be and wanting to be controlling. But have you noticed that, just like you, men don't want to be controlled? Often when that happens, they will close up, shut down, not communicate at all and brush it under the rug. Showing up in our romantic relationship in Mother Energy keeps Intimate Communication from happening. So remember that nobody wants to be controlled. While some men may lash out, most will likely shut down any emotions because they don't feel safe enough to share. 

I often hear from my clients that they don't know how to open up like that. They have also felt that their partner would not understand. But there really is no way around the obvious – if you want intimacy in your life, then start the conversation. Set yourself up for a win by being in your Woman Energy and setting the mood. A very interesting thing happens when a woman begins opening up, being both powerful and vulnerable, sharing, and also asking questions - the men start to open up too! When we align with our partner, we have an opportunity to explore ourselves deeper with them. Who you are and all of your beautiful, womanly desires should be shared when you are in a safe and secure relationship. When two people fall in love and have a fundamental balance of openness in their relationship, Intimate Communication is a natural result. 

As women, we all deserve to have Intimate Communication in our romantic relationships. That starts with loving yourself unconditionally before you can give that intimacy to another person. That intimacy needs to be for yourself first. Loving all of you and who you are, what you've been through, and owning your desires creates the confidence and security to share your story with your lover. When we honor ourselves and our desires, that's self-respect, and it's fundamental to Intimate Communication. Start the conversation and let your expectations go! It will take practice and consistency to level up the intimacy of a relationship, so don't panic if it takes some time. Love and deep intimacy is a wonderful thing! It's a wonderful thing when we are "good" with ourselves and can open up and fully share ourselves with our partner. And it's a wonderful thing to have healthy boundaries in place that our partners respect. Intimate Communication is the beginning of more profound love and intimacy! And that's a beautiful thing! 

Well, ladies, that's what I have for you this month. I'm excited to bring you the best of my relationship knowledge each month and contribute to your empowerment. I hope this idea of Intimate Communication is helpful to you and makes new levels of intimacy available in your relationship. We are all on our own journeys to discovering and owning our most empowered self. I am so happy and excited that I get to be a part of yours.

- Charlene Byars

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